Yeah, but check out his seventh leg…

I’ve got a severe phobia of horses after an incident with a crab apple and an electric fence, so I thought I’d start today’s entry with the King of All Horses: the Slepnir.

Slepnir: The prettiest pony around.

Identified most notably by the fact that he has EIGHT LEGS down there in that undercarriage, Slepnir was All-Father Odin’s loyal steed because he could run faster than a two-legged horse and probably talked without peanut butter and Hollywood trickery.

Slepnir could transport people to Hela and back and ran faster than every jockey-whipped Seabiscuit ever made. He didn’t even need wings to fly because he was faster than anything else on the planet and could “jump higher than a rainbow.”  So take that, you pansy My Little Ponies.

The way the ol’ Norse bedtime story goes, Slepnir was sired by the magical horse of a Frost Giant and the trickster god Loki dressed as a sexy lady horse. But here’s the part that’s tricky: Loki not only had to dress like a lady horse but also get impregnated BY a horse and then GIVE BIRTH TO AN EIGHT LEGGED HORSE.

Now THAT’s some Benjamin Buttons s**t…

I’m betting Loki now has a phobia of horses much larger than mine.