America’s Civil War: WE. CAN. WIN.

Angels. In the 9+ years since my divorce from my gay husband who taught me all the best muffin recipes in exchange for me paying his student loans, I have learned many things about myself, my choices, and my body. But today I am here to typespeak about a civil war that is keeping our country together.

Before this photograph I'd never imagined a tiny tiny angel crying inside a wedding ring. Art really can challenge us.

Divorce. It changes us. I know this is a controversial subject, angels, as we’ve been using any excuse to discuss it as a nation and as a people. Just look at how normal divorce has become. Why is it such a horrible thing if we’re all doing it? Shouldn’t it feel good to rid ourselves of unproductive relationships? Ask South Sudan how it felt to break ties and become its own person. Or ask Ghana how good it felt to take its maiden name back after England called it “The Gold Coast” for all those years. Empowerment can’t be typed without taking a break to spell power, and people are waking up to the knowledge that divorce is a civil war WE. CAN. WIN. And after we divorce, with the right mindset where we let our egos free and think about the relationship with the regard we reserve for truck stops, we can get on with our lives, making new decisions and new mistakes. And, angels, don’t pretend that “new mistake” is not your favorite color. It’s one of my fondest looks.

I love representative line graphs. Angels, isn't the slope here just MAGICAL?

Imagine spending the rest of your life with someone that no longer interests you? Or someone you never loved in the first place? Or someone that has changed after he got hair plugs and/or breast implants? Or someone who you found out was only a pretend spiritualist? Don’t get me wrong, angels, I love the idea and practice of marriage, primarily because I love waking a partner with soft kisses four days a week and having my hair washed. However, it is my experience that marriage, like monogamy, puts an end to the good things associated with a romantic relationship. Inside an unfulfilling marriage, we lose our sparkle as time passes, and only become vague, lumpy forms that are faded representations of the person we aspired to become. Humyns used to be thrill seekers like the hunter-gatherers, but once marriage became a chore, the humyn kind lost all knowledge of nut munching and spear-throwing physics in exchange for learning to use Ikea wrenches to put together a piece of Swedish art that you  hope someone compliments already so you can act like it’s no big thing that you “just picked up one day at Ikea.”  As a people, divorce helps us find ourselves, enabling us to open ourselves again to the future promise of love— by showing us the love we don’t want. Permitting us to join together with others in the experience … of new experiences… our part in life’s grand socio-scientific experiment.

Angels, my cheekbones were not this robust before my divorce.

If marriage is a science fair project, and the hypothesis (H1) is, “We belong together forever” then the null hypotheses (H0) would be, “We belong together more than forever” or “We belong together less than forever.” Therefore, divorce, in the most scientific terms, is simply failing to reject the null hypothesis. Which happens ALL THE TIME! Some of the best scientific discoveries (epoxy resin, st. john’s wort, valium) have happened after rejecting the null! Angels, let’s gather our clipboards and move to the next experiment already! Divorce should feel like a victory over the worst part of yourself that was a fool for loving someone because he bought very fancy canned foods for your noble cat beasts. It should feel like you made it over the walls of denial that you’d erected around your mental vagina and you’re now racing toward self-acceptance and truth.

I know many of you may be disappointed that divorce may not be for you. So how can you help your brothers and sisters in the struggle? How can you aid them to the place where they feel the confident to wear whatever they want every day even if it is a caftan without fear that their spouse will once again say “Bea Arthur looked sexier in that?” Please, take a night and join those in need of a gentle nudge in the right direction. (hint: they’re at karaoke nights!) and offer your best, most encouraging Tammy Wynette. I even linked the video with the words, so you can train at home. You could be the angel that makes all the difference, angels. Everyone deserves to have their entire being loved. Let’s keep trying until we get it right.

I am Gypsy Magnolia. I am a divorcée. I am the 99%.