Angels, I’m not much into following things like the Oscars, but since they’re over I’ve been trying to see what all the fuss is about. Plus, my inability to conceive does not mean I don’t ovulate for a week each month and need some quality couch time. Did you know it takes MONTHS for movies to go from the theater to DVD? I feel like maybe they could be a lot more efficient if they just did it all at once. I really wanted to see dreamy Colin Firth’s performance in The King’s Speech because I had a childhood stutter that I lost when I accidentally hypnotized myself one time in a funhouse. I don’t miss it, but love both the “overcoming disabilities” and “hooker with a heart of gold” tropes. So, since the local movie theater is only playing the Bieber movie and “Topper” (they do one kids freebie and one for retirees who are nostalgic for a time when cinema verite was not invented), I decided to do the next best thing… watch all 11 episodes of the EPIC (correct use of the word) 1976 BBC miniseries “I, Claudius.” Or, as I thought it was called “I, CLAVDIVS.” How did the Romans tell the U from the V?
FACT: Romans only vsed fovr vowels.
Anyhoo, Derek Jacoby, who has made a pretty magic career playing white haired men on PBS, is the lead role/narrator, Claudius, who is born deformed and afflicted with a stutter. Things in Rome were just like living in the U.S. Dominant political structures, wars in foreign lands people pretend aren’t happening, a crazy wife of a Republican emperor, and orgies. There is so much sex in this miniseries, angels, that you really get a feel for how weird the 70s must have been. And it’s one of those things that was on PBS so kids probably watched this when they couldn’t get their clammy hands on one of the good National Geographics. A bird lands on Claudius and I think that tagged him as going to be emperor. His step mom was a meany but like a Roman Cinderella, he endured. When he is eventual emperor, the stutter has disappeared and he takes a wife that one day challenges the president of the hooker club to a duel to see who can outlast more lovers in a single day. Trope goldmine, angels! And I don’t want to ruin anything, but the hooker is Sicilian. And the empress is hungry. You feel me? And there are so many nipples!
I am often asked if my work is based on John Hvrt's crossdressing.
I identify with Clavdivs because all this slutty is happening behind his back and ruining his marriage. Additionally, having such an educational program to teach us about the dangers of empire is really important in the age where Bret Easton Ellis (author and purveyor of cocaine smut) is calling Charlie Sheen (misogynist and consumer of cocaine smut) “post-empire.” As in, when people are going buckwild with pleasure, they are probably ignoring more important things like war. Like Janet Jackson, I live by the Pleasure Principle, but am never not keeping it really real about the global cost of our ignorance. You know, like how sometimes James comes home to the trailer with Jack-In-The-Box and I ask him how the soy in the meat is treating him? Because it treats the worlds’ indigenous farmers like shit and starves them? And the excess estrogen is going to one day turn him into a goddess! Slowly, it works, as he’s now eating more chicken. Bird by bird, Anne Lamott reminds us. And the Roman fashion is so drapey I really love it, but the miniseries is sometimes confusing when everyone is called Caesar with no salad in sight.
Empress Livia is the original golddigger. And she was pretty slvtty.
Today we as a globe lost Elizabeth Taylor, one of my personal goddess role models, as I’m hoping to spawn my own collection of ex-husbands and conflict-free white diamonds someday. Watching “I, Claudius” helps me embrace the world without her light, with a reminder that imperialism is bad, mostly when rich people are really busy trashing each others’ lives. I give the miniseries 3 and a half blossoms. Feel free to watch it next time you’re cramping for 11+ hours!!
In the sixteenth and seventeenth centuries, a disease called Tarantism would cause anyone who suffered a tarantula bite to become anxious and restless. The bitten would sometimes start dancing Thriller-style to pass the venom out of their system. In order to pass the venom, communities would play a frantic style of music and spontaneously spaz out. This therapy originated a style of folk dancing, the Tarantella.
And now one can only hear about the growing Indian Tarantism epidemic in hushed whispers…
May their creepy smiles forever haunt those who do not respond to their cries for help.
The first time a Canadian ever vandalized something, he chose to vandalize a memorial to 9/11 victims!
During the gold medal men’s hockey game in February of last year, one Canadian double-dog-dared the other Canadian to replace a nearby American flag with a Canadian one if Canada beat America in the game. Canada won, they switched the 9/11 memorial flag for their Maple Leaf, and they were arrested for misdemenor charges of vandalism.
The National Post reports that an editorial in the local paper, the Desert Sun, said Canada’s foray into petty vandalism was “disrespectful, outrageous and downright rude.” although the internet has no memory of that.
Arrested after a country’s first attempt at vandalism. I know a pop star from the 90s who would have something to say about that.
In the last 40 years, Texas leads the US in number of bodies dumped on the highway!
Texas has 38, California is a close second with 37 and smelly old Florida’s in a solid third with 33.
Last year, the FBI announced its Highway Serial Killing Initiative, keeping local law enforcement in communication with the Federal database of murder victims and suspects. Since the database’s launch, most of the 200 suspected murderers of the 459 victims found on US Highways have predictably been truck drivers.
The Encyclopedia Show salutes the non-serial killer truck drivers of America. For the rest of you:
A new species of dinosaur was just named after an Austin native! Sarahsaurus was named after Sarah Butler, an Austin philanthropist who raised over one million dollars for the Dino Pit.
The fossils of Sarahsaurus were found in Arizona and suggest that dinosaurs didn’t top the food chain by force, but rather because dinosaurs took advantage of a massive extinction event. At the end of the Triassic period, crocodile-like crurotarsans went extinct due to massive volcanic activity, after which opportunistic sauropodomorphs (such as Sarahsaurus) started to move into the Western United States.
Sarahsaurus had extremely powerful hands, winner of many dino biker bar arm wrestling championships. She was a scavenger, not just an herbivore. She does not support Jan Brewer. Sarahsaurus was the first feminist. There were also male Sarahsauruses, but we do not understand them.
Researchers in Utah have discovered the horniest dinosaur ever!
It had 15! Horns!
The scientists who discovered the fossilized remains of the Kosmoceratops theorize that the excessive horniness was, appropriately, meant to attract mates much like a peacock’s feathers are meant to attract peahens. It follows then that lady Kosmoceratopses would have been slightly less horny, a fact well covered by male Kosmoceratops stand-up comedians.
Who would know what’s cool today better than a Dinosaur? Nobody.
Think about it. They did their thing. They never hurt anyone but those in the food chain below them. They partook of the earth responsibly. They changed their gender when kept in captivity. And then they ironically disappeared when all the good bands dried up.
We have a lot to learn about TODAY from the original Hipsters: Those Dinos.
The original character alignment system for Gary Gygax’s beloved role-playing classic, Dungeons & Dragons, only included Lawful, Neutral and Chaotic! Later editions expanded the system so that your guy would fall somewhere on a combination of two axes: Law vs Chaos (both of which have good and bad attributes) and Good vs Evil. Today’s edition only includes five alignments: Lawful Good, Good, Unaligned, Evil and Chaotic Evil.
Since the Encyclopedia Show is staunchly classic D&D-oriented, we identify with the two axes system. (The first term is along the Law/Chaos axis, the second along the Good/Evil axis; both axes include “Neutral.”). Excuse my rampant wikipedia-linking: I, Ralphie, am Chaotic Neutral.
The myth of cyclopes exists probably due to the fossilized remains of dwarf elephants. They had giant holes in the center of their skulls where their trunk connected, which looked very much like an eye socket.
Baby, Ginger, Scary, Sporty, Celery, All, Cumin, Paprika, Saffron and Catnip... All noble spices in their own regard, and all deserving of our Encyclopedic attention!
This month, the Encyclopedia Show opens upon the hottest subject yet! From the lush history of the Dutch East India Trading Company to the barren future wastelands of Dune, from the precious turmeric seed to the humble salt crystal, spices have proven their worth as a valuable commodity, a preserver of flavor and an opportunity for chemistry in the kitchen!
Come explore the depths of flavor as The Encyclopedia Show Austin launches full sail ahead into the delicious, buttery arms of knowledge!
SPICES!
May 10th
ND@501 Studios
Featuring:
Nerd Nite Austin Producer Lewis Weil
Encyclo Show Chicago Producer Shannon Maney-Magnusson
Competitive Eater "Hungry" Todd Rungy
Improv Comedy Master Shannon McCormick
Critic of American Studies Susan Quesal
LAFF Sketch Comedian Annie Kincade
Cast Members:
Leah Moss, Kerri Lendo and Your Terrific Neighbors
And your Hosts: Mike Graupmann and Ralphie Hardesty
This night is going to leave a strong taste in your mouth - WE GUAR-OHN-TEE!
